I don't know how I feel when I think of you

I don't know how I feel when I think of you. 

Sometimes I want to scream and shout and tear my room to pieces. Other times I want to cry and roll into a tight ball rocking myself from side to side. You make me scared sometimes. Not only a fear against you, but a fear for you too. Mostly, I wish you'd go backwards in time and be the person I used to know and trust. But how far away has that person gone? Has that person left forever? I really think so...

I don't understand what you've become or why you act the way you do. And I don't understand why you're so ignorant and chose to be that way. I don't understand anything you are anymore. And I don't understand why you think you play an important role in my life still.

If I don't understand you and wish I didn't know you... why do I miss you?

Why do I want to her your voice? 

Why would I ever feel the need to see you again?

I don't understand myself sometimes.

I make no sense. 

My heart acts one way, my brain acts the other.

But where is this emotion coming from?

Surely not my heart, and defiantly not my brain.

It's strange the way I feel about you. Perhaps I don't feel anything at all anymore.

Why do I want to see you? Do I really think you've changed? Will you really become the person you were again?

No! You wouldn't, and you don't even want to.

I don't understand... I don't want to understand... I want this to be a misunderstanding... 

But hey, I'm 14. And this is what I've been told to understand.

I'm young in your eyes, I'm vulnerable in your eyes. I'm an easy target in your eyes, I'm a lost hope in your eyes. I'm unimportant in your eyes, I'm selfish in your eyes.

Want to know what you are in my eyes?

You're dead. You've lost my trust, my respect and my love.

So why do I still miss you?

-Eggy Mayers, wanna be writer.